Saturday, February 20, 2010
I deleted all my post
[ which is a drastic thing for me :/ ]
cause i dont wanna look back on anything anymore .
You see , my whole life feels like _____ .
Only once a week or a month maybe , something good happens .
So why should I remember CRAPSHIT right ?
So jyeah .
Let me just give YOU a R E A L look into my life .
I am a loner .
Not because i REALLY AM one , i just PREFER to be one .
If I've learnt anything its to NEVER trust anyone .
Because one day or another , they're gonna just S T A B you in th back or do something to make you regret your whole life .
Honestly , I DONT REGRET ANYTHING because i learn never to regret something that once made you happy .
It makes me feel contented , with that kind of thinking .
I trust my bestfriend , Adilah .
Cause she totally understands everything I go through .
And she feels th same way too .
No one can TRUELY see what you feel , everyone [ esp Adults ] would judge you , then keep pointing and poking at your mistakes
and tht pisses me off cause i am NOT born perfect and i KNOW i will make mistakes and i WILL pick up from it .
But adults expect you to be PERFECT and always have HAPPY feeling and do th RIGHT thing and then when you fall , its not like they're gonna pick you up y'know , they'll SCREEN you somemore .
I dont like school .
Cause I stress over so much and get so little in return .
NOONE freaking SEES what th shit im doing there but they only see th part where " after school I go and hangout " so crap kay ? CRAP .
Why do good things when all people see are th BAD parts ?!
Did anyone ever mention about how hard im trying ??
Has anyone seen my change in behaviour ? Im not rowdy anymore , i dont mix with THEM anymore , i hangout with different people and yet it's not like i go and rob a bank or go and steal things y'know . Im like th BIG criminal for just chilling out and having fun for AWHILE cause i still have to be home in like 3Omins !
Seriously , wht happened in th past , can say it's my mistake .
I did lotsa crapshit too but for th past month or so , it stopped didnt it ?!
And im doing good in school . Why didnt anyone say about that ?! Does it take TOO MUCH to appreciate ?!
Then everything also find fault . Even when im IN class , im said to be " out with a bunch of hooligans " .
Where did i get th hooligans also i dunno lah , serious .
Im fed up with trying to be GOOD but everyone thinks im doing illegal shit by COMING HOME LATE ?!
Okay , if i go home at 11 with a bunch of boys , understandable .
But as long as i go home at 6 , im in trouble ? Whaaaaaat .
& th thing is , im in school RUSHING to get things done and then i go off , meet a few friends at BISHAN y'know , not jurong or whatever , at BISHAN and then we go home .
Want to let off some stress for awhile also _____ . Tsk !
& th thing is sometimes after school , we go for lunch .
& yesterday , what a bad day and yet still kene tudoh . I dont know why people cant SEE what in th hell im really doing y'know !
Did anyone ever say anything about how im performing in school ?
Anyone said anything about if im improving or not ?
Anyone gives a SHIT about what im REALLY doing ?!
NO , they give a shit about what im NOT doing . Everytime i wanna go out , it's like as if im planning to go to a club :/ Oh please , i have friends who do that too !
& when i go home late , it's like i just commited th biggest crime there is ! Suddenly everyone decided to butt into my life and put me on lockdown . I feel like im suffocating okay ! Did they see th work im doing ? Did they even bother to puji me once in a while ? NOBODY SEES !
All they know is how to judge . If im not doing well and if im fooling around , okay . My mistake . But im trying to concentrate on schoolwork then got all this add on . Cant go home late , go home after school straight . Go home with friends also not allowed or what ? Wait for friend awhile also like ______ . TSK . you know . .
Did anyone see how hard i worked to do th Lit script ? Transfer file from one com to another , script cant be opened , redo everything , Isaac turned off com halfway , REDO again ?! ANYONE SEE ?! NO , so dont judge me and my hard work that i put my heart into with your accusations about me .
About me watching Emily play soccer . All this while , I DID support her ! And im so proud of her and th team . She made it into th first 11 , I AM TH ONE WHO BESAR BESARKAN . I am proud that my sister made th team and is representing th school . Anyone else acknowledge her achievements ? When i was in soccer , i didnt get this kind of support , i got all sorts of comments and honestly lah , i was trying my best . Even when i try my best to exel in all this kind of things , i have never gotten th support that Emily got . When i was in soccer , everything was not right for you guys but when Emily is in , she has all th support she can get . When i came home late because of soccer , all sorts of things came out about me which I DIDNT do . I can swear on that but yes , i admit , my mistake from being so stupid . But that's a past . I didnt go back to that past . But im telling you , th soccer part of my life I give up because i dont wanna hear anymore crap about ME and IT cause all you guys can say is " dont know how to play soccer , lazy at home but action want to play soccer " but i loved it and if you guys cant see it , i wont force you guys to . But i want to see my sister go through what i DIDNT get to . Cause of th discouragement i got , i wanna make sure Emily got all th encouragement she can get . All this while I WENT to her matches . Went all th way to Pasir Ris to support her . Bought her lunch and drinks , what did YOU ALL take from that ? I merayap . Haiyah , dont wanna explain anymore cause whatever i say will be bullshit to you guys .
Yes , i lied . About lotsa things but there's alot that i keep behind that noone sees . Anyone see how confused I am about what Im going through ? Noone did . At this point in life , i dont know who to trust so i keep to myself . What i know , I tell Dilah and we share everything together . Yet , what did i get ? Kene tudoh say im becoming like a typical malay and whatever . Maybe if you MET and TALKED to some typical malays and SEE what they really are like then maybe you'll be thankful of ME . I dont always talk about BOYS , i dont need them and i dont need anymore EXTRA shit in my already cocked up life , y'know . So dont judge cause from what i can see , adults only know how to judge then later make themselves angry and then I GET IT FOR THINGS I DIDNT DO .
Why make yourself angry with false accusations and guesses about me ? Why not think about how im trying to top English ? Or that im serious about Literature and im improving in Biology . How about TRY to be proud that im making my own list of things to do like finishing assesments on time and doing extra work ? Why not just give a little bit of space and LET ME GO for some outings . Yes , i know . O levels blahblahblah but im already thinking about that 5days a week , then i have homework to do on th weekends and i get TIRED . Then after school just hang around for awhile , sometimes tak sampai one hour , and poof , home and then if im a bit late also , kene .
& Ramzan is not a part of my life anymore . Ask anyone when was th last time they saw us together . I think th answer would be last year or maybe last month ( ? ) Its been a long time . But being with him for a year and then having him to change so much is hard to accept and difficult to forget . His things are all around , places we've been to are still here . But IM making th effort . You think i changed because of him ? I changed LAST YEAR when you guys started ignoring me and having problems of your own . Then suddenly when you guys are stable , you all start to target on me ?! When you were having problems of your own , everything i did was okay and acceptable . Then when everything is all lovey dovey , saaaaaaaaaap , im th bad one . Th black sheep . Everything is me lah ! How unfair is that ?! Suddenly th tables are turned and th thing is before we went to Bali , everything was okay . When we came back , suddenly im th one with th bad attitude ?!
Seriously , im confused . Thats why i dont want to confide in ANY of you . I rather keep it to myself and do my own thing . As far as i can see , everyone is pretending anyways but All of you talk behind each other's backs .
You guys treat me like im so stupid and i dont know what im doing and everything i do is ILLEGAL . I know people who have done worse and are in worse shit alright ? I know people who are truely evil and have bad intentions towards their love ones . I dont . I do my own thing and i balance myself between work and fun . Im not doing badly in school and im keeping up with schoolwork but i dont get ANY acknowledgement in that . Im never going to be GOOD ENOUGH for anyone to take note of but WOW when it comes to Emily , she's th angel , th good girl , th one who should be th first blah blah blah . Did ANYONE check on what she is REALLY doing ?
Well , just accept all this and just do what im doing . Cause i know im in class and im doing work and im trying , that should be good enough for me . When i get my results , its my own to keep . Even if i hangout and stuff , i can still study when i get home and for th past 2 days i had to SKIP REMIDIAL cause Dad dont trust me and still can say need to focus on O Levels but he is th one who is PREVENTING me from improving myself for it . Irony .
So maybe , what you guys should do is stop judging me and start seeing how MUCH im trying to pick myself up from all th shit and how MUCH im doing for myself and how LITTLE freedom i get .
Honestly eh ,,
my plan today was to go for math from 9-11am .
Follow Brintha , Darsini and Alvinaa [ along with Dilah ] to go for breakfast and do our sketchbook together .
Afterwards ask Mum if i can go for Emily's match and if she's going out , meet her after that .
Im there what ? And there's no way to lie cause if either one calls , i can get them to talk to Emily .
But whatevs .
Know why i dont like to go home ?
Cause when im doing work upstairs , everyone says im not with th family .
But when i wanna do work DOWNstairs , th TV is on , i cant concentrate .
When i turn on th com , im immediately considered as " never do anything " when actually im doing my Literature . Awsome annot ?
Then i wanna do work also cant concentrate .
First of all , there's not appropriate study table .
Wanna talk about my friends ?
ALL of them have study tables in their rooms , making it comfortable to study .
THATS why i study in school , even studying in th canteen or at Macs or even th library is more comfortable than at home where i have to study on th BED !
You know how painful it is to keep on bending down to READ ?!
I like to study outside .
Even under OUR block is more preferrable than at home !
How is that !?
I dont even need to go far man .
So yeah , i get judge for and blah blah blah but nobody sees th good things and my efforts and they dont accept my explainations so i wont even try anymore . tsk .
Now my hand hurts and i missed math class . All i have to say is " great , so if i FAIL my math because of today's make up lesson i missed , are you gonna blame me too ?! "
